How are You?

So today I leave for Cali. I should be excited. Deep down I am. But the problem is that that feeling cant break through this mood. I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out. Damn it, it is such a hard thing to fight. I know that I probably will climb into the hole soon. The trick is getting my out. I have to choose to come out. That is the tricky part. I dont just come out for certain people. I can think of about five people that I would come back into the world for. The others would make me either more angry and make me hide farther into myself, or would make me even more sad. I wish that those people knew who they are. I think one does. But I also get so sick and tired of having to have people help me. In that hole I know the only thing that keeps me from going to the 'dark' side of it, is the hold on me that God has in those moments. I just wish that I could stand on my own with God, and not have to rely on people to pull me out. The funny part is that I trust these people completely, yet cant tell them. I am afraid of getting hurt and told by them that they dont want to be those people. It would make it easier for me if they realized that I trust them, and then return the favor. No they dont need to tell me everything. Just knowing that they trust me completely goes a long way in the world of Kalen. One of the people I have taken one baby step towards talking and telling them I trust them. But the sad part is that he tries to show it back. See these days there is one thing I want almost all of the time. I think every human wants it, some more than others. Love. But people also want it shown to them in different ways. See this is where I differ compared to most people. Especially guys. I think I have parts of all the love languages stong in me, but I think some of the more prevalent ones are ones guys in general dont excel in. That is where one of my friends, S, sucks at, he tries to give me something I told him I would like, but suceeds in making in ackward and difficult everytime, such to the point that I literally just step around him. I wont take it. That is something else that is difficult. My personality. Many people dont like who I am, oh well. And then when people try and give me something I wont take it, or dont like to take it. This is something that has been engrained into me over the course of my childhood. Yep, it is my fault. (I will get told it isnt by someone, I can almost bet on it) Plus I would rather give of my self and give wholly than recieve. Look at cooking. I dont like to cook for myself. I love to cook and feed others. This gets me in trouble alot. Soiree, an event for the girls at our school, I wanted to make sure to take care of the girls and have the thing perfect. So much that I somehow forgot to drink or eat anything that day. So I sent my body into shock. Opps! See even when I am down, I will still give. Unless I get pissed than what I give you might be a knuckle sandwich. I will still give. I dont care. It shouldnt impact those around me when I go through crap, it doesnt mean I have the excuse to give up and not give that love that my God has given me.

Wow, that is a novel. For me anyway. I will leave it at that. I just started writing and it just flows out. That is the purpose of this blog for me anyway. Well have fun.