Buried in Words
So I have decided that I cant keep my nose buried in my book forever, as hard as I try it is just not possible. I dont like being home for the most part. It is no real break. My friends have changed but we have learned to cope. We dont try to be who we are now much when we are together we act upon what our images were in high school. But home is a struggle for me. I am proud of my roots and at the same time ashamed. My whole life my family has learned to put up this front whenever someone is around. I never brought home a friend and let them in my house in all of high school or even middle school. When I did once we only went into the garage and that was as far as that visitor went. I love my family, but I am ashamed of my family's 'problems.' And there in is the issue. That some of what I call the problem is rooted in a person and to seperate the person and the problem would be impossible. I have tried to make it my goal to read all of the Lord of the Rings books before break is over. Mostly because then I can avoid the world around me. At times the world which I am in now gets clouded with disrespect. And I will NOT stand for this anymore. It is a battle that I dont want to win for me, but to win to protect those around me. I dont want to be a hero I just want to save my world.
I hate that this is the holidays. I 'have' to put up with family and such. Not really. I choose to. I know that this isnt nessarily true or right but it is what I am feeling. A woman who I wish I could get to know better once said, "Feelings arent right or wrong, they just are." Well I feel like I am alone in this physical world. I know that I am not. I have my God with me. Thats how I will make it though these times. But I cant call my friends, I am too ashamed of who I am at that moment. I try and then I start trembling when I do. My friend called me out on it today. Bless him for doing so, I actually wasnt trying to call out in any secretive way. But he still caught it. Now if only I could own up and say, yes I am.
He asks why I dont call. Why I let no one in when the stars start to fade.
Because I am afraid that this will go downhill, that it will all fade to black.
That I will lose another friend.
My arm is out and it hurts to hold it but I dont want to drop it.
He says to give him the chance. I want to, but when I start to call my body trembles I get all woozy.
Subconsciencously my body reacts to make me stop.
Maybe tomarrow I will call.
Maybe...
2 comments:
"Don't give up, you are loved" I learned this from you. It has given me strength to stay strong. I am sorry that old habits seem to play into view when we are together but most likely it’s because we are afraid. And to feel safe we try and create an image of our past.
Every family has secrets and problems. This is why a person has friends. Not to use a book to hide from the world but a way to escape troubling times together. Again I am sorry. But you are cared about and please don't forget who you are. A creative, intelligent man, who loves to help others, you are my friend and I hope you always will be.
I sometimes feel the same way about family. But the more I try to change things the more discouraged I get because it never changes. I am looking forward to the day when I can make the holidays more the way I want them... if that is possible.
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