Hate Me

Go listen to that song. And then add Sweetly Broken by Jeremy Riddle. And for finale add Suddenly Semour. Then you will understand what I am feeling today.

Blue Potatoes and Red Meat

I am sitting here just waiting as dinner is being prepared. And I am in this really crappy mood. I think that if anything goes wrong I will not make it through all of dinner and the movie (Grease). The worse part is someone is back from his short trip and in town for a few days. And we invited him over to eat. Thats cool, but I dont like how he treats me different. He doesnt talk to me, and yet he is 'supposed' to be concerned. Ha, yea right. He has a few points where he seems to and then its gone. I dont think he even realizes that those moments are there. Its hard. He wants me to be honest with him. Ha and you act different around me. No, I know everyone acts a little different around certain people. But when you treat me like there are some things that are wrong with me, that hurts. You act as if I cant really be honest since you arent honest around me. Well, here is honesty for you. If you have something to say to me, say it to my face and dont hide it, and dont be a half-assed friend. Be all the way or leave me alone!

My Superman

Tonight I went and saw Superman. I wasnt going to go see it unless I could go with one certain person. Well he said lets go when I said it comes out today. He is my Superman. Because he has seen what has 'happened' to me. And through it all he recongnizes the change but still treats me like he used to. The coolest thing is that whenever I am around him. You can see Gods love pouring out of him unconditionally. So thanks.

Random Recipe Idea

So I just got this sweet idea. A blueberry sorbet served in a lemon-tarragon candy box with a mint leaf on top for garnish!

Equilibrium Constant

To go with my last post I decide to share my Keq . For the non-Mines geeks. The larger the number in a normal A+B->C reaction. The equilibruim constant tells us how favorable the reaction is in moving to the right. So the bigger and postive number means it moves to the right.
Well, lets say that a postive Keq is where I wish to be. A, B and C are inputs that help or deter me toward moving there
Well A= that someone thinks there is no hope for me
and B= the people that treat me like I am some freak
and C= the people that say they care and such
Well my equation looks like
2A+2B->C
So that means that it takes four times as much good things to help me get a postive and big Keq. That just to explain why some people think that just being 'nice' once will help. It will, but it will still take a lot more.

p.s. Yes I know I am a chemE geek. If you didnt notice I go to Mines!

Connectedness.

Why do I continue to fight? The biggest thing that I fight daily is the want to pull back and just give up. I try daily to involve my self in some kind of human interaction. Do I scare people away? Its not that I look for them to solve my problems. It more that they will just be my friend. And just hang out and have fun. People help me to learn to have fun again. I hate it, but people will fail me. I just didnt expect all the people to fail me all the time all at the same time. I even know and expect that me, of all the people, will fail. And then the worst to me, is when some one asks, "How are you?" And want an honest answer. Then get mad and say that they dont want to talk about certain parts. IF you ask the question then you should be ready to accept the answer no matter the degree of fear it invokes. And they think that they are scared, one should think of how I feel. So, why do I continue?

Running into the Darkness.

Tonight I answer a question posed by a good friend. When I suck into my self do I want to be chased after or just left alone. I think in truth right now. I want to be chased. Cause then it means that people actually care. I think that half of the problem is that I am so good at hiding when I feel these ways that no one notices. And if they do notice I wish that they are willing to ask only if they are willing. Meaning that if I want to talk, that they not be afraid of what is going to be said. It is I that is scared, I dont need people to be scared too. I pose the now infamous question (at least to me). What are you afraid of? What are you afraid of? What are you running from?

Night and Day

Tonight I went tubing. But what ruined it for me was a stupid kid. Garfunkels other half. He kept bumping into me and such. I like to tube since its just me and relaxing thoughts in my head. But with this other kid, I was getting so mad when he bumped into me. Not like it was building. I would just *BAM* be fuming mad. It just came out of nowhere. This scares the living crap out of me. How come I get so mad. I cant even tell I am getting mad most of the time. The worst part is how, it goes so far down the road in that instant. The hard part is to fight it. I cant most of the time when I am with people just back out of the spotlight, and leave. Its not that easy people want to help, and know whats wrong. Whats wrong: I hate myself, and am mad. How you can help: Let me go! The part that I am stuggling with is the fight. I can fight for a short time, and then fail. I know I cant do it on my own. The part where I fail is in that instant where I have to turn from the fight and say the one word that hides in the shadows, help. Its not that I stop fighting. Its that I have to turn a little bit of me away from the fight to call for help. And it takes all of me to fight. So in that moment, I lose the fight. And I turn against even the reinforcement I called for. So why do I fight? Do I continue to fight? I am ready to just go hide in myself. And never come out. Its a dark and lonely place. I have no light.

Bowling Pins and Maclaurin Series

Tonight sucks, or rather today. But only because of tomarrow. I have two tests. Normally I wouldnt care. But they are not helping the mood that I have been falling into. So I sit here dredding the impending doom. I did do something positive tho, or at least I tried. Everyone always says that they cut out God first. So tonight I tried not to do that when there was Bible study tonight and when I had to study. Would of worked, except that I got so scared I just went into my room and laid down. I am so nervous and in that mood that I forgeting everything I am going over. I dont care anymore. I just want to be done, and make some good food. Maybe on Sunday if I get paid soon I will find a recipe and make a nice dessert. Or just make up a new ice cream recipe. And do CAPA. Random thou I went and got ten bowling pins for 2.50. That sorta helps me. I will survive. Its just getting through those times that I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel. But then all of the sudden *BAM* its there. I just wish I could know that the light is there the whole time. See God is light. I know that when He is there. But I get so scared and sucked up into myself that I let go. I am trying to learn to hold on longer.

Yea

So today just sitting at home and a friend called. I have never been so excited that someone called. The coolest part is that he wants to call everyone. I know he has called a few people besides me already. But being one of the firsts is nice. It shows subliminally that I am up on his list. He is fighting a disease right now, its doubt. Wierd part is how he avoids talking about certain things. Oh well. I think I shall write him a letter.

bokren dan smlabercd

-------------------------------------Right--------------------------------
---------------------- now------------------------------------------------

-------------------------------------------------------------I feel--------

-The wierd part-----------------------------------------------------------
------------------broken and smlabercd.----------------------------------

----I dont like it.---------------------------------------------------------



---------------------------------I go from okish---------------------------


---------------------------------------------------------------to being mad.


-------------------------------------------------is that one person I feel----


-----But through-----------------------------------------------------------
---------------------------------connected to----------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------it all-------------



-----------------------I feel so disconnected. Moreover--------------------
---------I feel-------------------------------------------------------------


-------------------Whether-----------------------------------------------

--------------------------------------------------------------broken.-----




----------------------------I just want------------------------------------

-------------------------------------he understands or wants to help-----


----------------------------------------to be fixed.------------------------

-------------I know not---------------------------------------------------

----------------------------Only God-------------------------------------


-----------can do that------------------------------------------------------

----------------------.------------------------------------------------------



----I---------------------------- make-------------------------- it---------





---------------day----------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------by-------------------------------------------


---------------------------------------------------I just wish he would know


-------------------------------------day,------------------------------------

--------------------------only by--------------------------------------------




-----------------------------------------------his power--------------------


----------------and be willing to help me--------------- up when I fall--------


-------do-------------------------- I --------------------------continue?----

--------------------------cause----------he----------cares-------------------
----------------------and--------- I----------- trust------------ him.--------



I am broken.

Sitting Here

So I am just sitting here thinking. To you that figure this out I dont like the thoughts that are running, fumbling through my head. I want to change them so bad. I try calling someone to work through this, but this is about suicidal ideations I fail. I just want to talk to them. I want to talk, so I can fight. I give up to easily. But when I talk to those certain people I have the courage to not acting on them continue fighting. Hell, its scary. Its my fight. It is the real fight not to I have to do it alone. But its nice I had friends that said call me to have someone there to pull me out to talk and get through those times of the muck that I fall in after fighting so hard that its when I am at my weakest. Thats but they failed in that the time that I fall the hardest. Woe to the man who has no one and i have scars to show for those times to pick him up when he falls. When I fall I want to get back up, but I dont have the energy. Thats so thats why i dont call why I have ok shane, john, chris and the rest friends. But I cant even say the word. The one i hope you understand that could save me. I hope you understand, I am broken

Define Friend

What is a friend? Well I dont want to bother defining all the 'levels' of friendship that there are. What I wonder about is on the deepest level, what is a friend. To me, I think that means the person that you can call at 2 in the morning when your life comes crashing down around you. What sucks is that most of my friends up here have failed that test. Even when they try. I dont know if it is them, or me pushing them away. I wish and hope that I can let them get close and become that friend if they wish. Believe me, this past week I could have really used that friend, and there will be chances come soon. So I hope that if you are willing you help me reshape my definition or fall into it.

I Wish

I see this and hope with the whole of who I am that I had some one like this. Actually not even that deep. I just wish that I had someone to talk to and that they wouldnt run away. Most people around here have listened to me to a point and then just bail. One that hurts, and two that makes it hard to have friends. Most of those people have seen parts of my soul that few will ever see. All I want is them to be able to listen and still be my friend and still care. Unlike the majority of people around here have done. Just one would be nice, I thought I found that friend and then I screwed that one up. Now he hates me. And thats a fact.

Enheartened, NOT!

So today is Sunday. And on Sunday the common thing for Christians is to go to church. Well I am not going. No, not like I have given up on God or Christianity. I am more saddened by the action of one individual. Yea, one spoiled person ruins the lot. So I am aggrieved with the body of Christ. Well if one part is 'bad' then the rest of the body goes with it. Christopher. I hear that, "he said right now that he has no hope left for you", from a friend. So, I am not going to go to church until I can figure this out. More the whole Christian body. Why when another believer says something like that. What does it mean? Why? So I am hurt that people think this, even if just one. Its more than just Chris, a lot of people do it too. That is give up hope in people. When you give up as a believer in another person, espcially a Christian, you give up the hope that God can work in their life. So that in itself hurts even more. Look what your doing, your not loving the other person and your breaking Gods heart. One by not having faith and in not giving Gods love which your filled with to other people, most of the time some of the people that need it the most. No, I am not using this as a way to turn and push God away. It breaks my heart too. And the more broken I am, the more God I need.

Psalm 142

Friends: S

I decide that I shall write about certain people. Not use their names. But I am sick of holding on to what I think about them. So I start.

S: So he is my friend. Yet, he is still afraid of commiting to being wholy there and truthful. I dont know why. I spill my guts to him, so why cant he trust me and open up. I dont understand that. To me thats the ultimate promise of security. It makes it even harder now. I just want to call him some times just to talk. I know he is great at that, but he recently has stopped that. And now he just doesnt talk. Like even when he met me for lunch one time, we didnt even talk, and if I tried to open that up he just got all ackward. I hate that. Then in normal situations when I am fine he treats me all strange, like I am a freak. Oh, the calamidy of friends. I just wish that people around here would grow up. I know I have had to do a lot of this in my life, but why cant people learn from there lives too. I guess I just want to much. Oh well. The nice thing is that he is gone for the summer so when he comes back I wont talk to him. Just because I am sick of putting in all the work all the time. Step up to the plate, S!

P.S. The other night having very crappy night, so call him. I dont care what time it is. He just tells me to leave him alone. Well, thats a friend for you! So good riddens and good job Shane!

Special Ed

So one of my friends just stopped by my room, not just my house, to give me a support letter and say hi. I love him cause he shows a genuine love. He doesnt hold back, and he knows and has seen alot. Unlike some of my other friends who hold back on 'how' much love they want to give out. If your filled with God's love and his love is unconditional, then why dont we just keep giving it away. This guy, does exactly that, while other friends hold back. Hey, the faults we see in people are also our own faults. So I wonder what keeps humans holding on to a love when the source is never ending? Well, see my friend shows love in so many ways. He just exudes it all the time, and in his letter, you can see he means what he wrote. How sweet is that, being able to have it said that God's love shines through you in everything you do. I aspire to be like that. Thanks man.

I'll Miss You

Ya'll will think that I am a little strange after this. But one of my favorite things about getting up in the morning was watching the Today show. And as you all should know a milestone has just occured in the shows history. And I feel really sad cause that person is leaving. Just that its one of the reasons that I like watching the show. And now she moves to the evenings. Well, farewell my friend.