Memory/All alone in the moonlight/

10 Years Ago:
1. I was in elementary school
2. Just experienced the first big life changing event. (Secret 1)
3. I didnt want to move to Colorado
4. I learned that I will never have any real friends
5. I had my first big fight

5 Years Ago:
1. I went to school and then came home, that was my existance
2. I changed churches because my dad wanted to (Secret 2)
3. I actually started to understand what Gods love is
4. I kept my home life and my school life at seperate, and tried to never bring either into church
5. I didnt have any friends

1 Year Ago:
1. I was normal
2. I felt connected to God and knew how to hold on
3. I didnt know of anybody that hated me (Secret 3)
4. I was going to try and open up and have friends
5. I thought I knew what I was to do at Mines

Yesterday:
1. I was a failure because of a loaf
2. I watched Spiderman 2, and felt like I actually could be something
3. I got new Crocs (Secret 4)
4. I did my chem problems
5. I wanted to be selfish (Secret 5)

Now:
1. I want to have friends
2. I wish I could call someone
3. I wish I could make chocolate cupcakes and have the coconut extract to do it
4. I wish I didnt feel this way
5. I wish that no one else ever had to feel this way

5 Snacks I Like:
1. Ben & Jerry's Sorbet
2. A good apple
3. Brownies
4. Cheesecake
5. Edamame

5 Songs I Know All the Words To:
1. Defy Gravity -Wicked
2. Hate Me -Blue October
3. Suddenly Semour -Little Shop of Horrors
4. Elephant Song Medley -Moulin Rouge
5. Into the Ocean -Blue October

If I had a Million Dollars:
1. Goodbye student loans
2. I would buy a house
3. I think I would buy Zengo or the other place by the same dude
4. I would adopt a little girl from China
5. I would my mom something real nice

5 Things I Would Never Wear:
1. A bra
2. A dead goldfish
3. A mole sauce
4. A glass of wine (I hope)
5. Them white and pink Crocs

5 Favorite TV Shows:
1. Crossing Jordan
2. E.R.
3. Gilligans Island
4. Charmed
5. Greys Anatomy (I watched all of season 1 in two nights with guys)

5 Bad Habits (or what others tell me)
1. Underestimating myself
2. Being cruel
3. Freaking out (Secret 6)
4. Cooking
5. Caring

5 Biggest Joys:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

5 Fictional People I Would Want to Date:
1. Izzy -Greys Anatomy
2. Rouge
3. Mary Jane Watson
4. Jean Grey
5. The lady in the little black dress

5 People I Tag to Do This:
1. Shane
2. kRONic
3. Sarah V.
4. Camo
5. Anyone who really cares


And if your wondering what the Secrets are, maybe if you know me well enough you could connect the dots. If not then try. And when I wrote those, I said them out load my secret so that for this moment it would help. Maybe if your lucky or unlucky you can still catch them in the air.

I Love the Hospital

"No one holds a scalpel until I am Mary Freakin' Poppins!"
I just have a little giggle. Why one ponders? Because I just had one of the better nights than I have had in a long time. And that makes me laugh. If only you knew.

Burnt Crust

So the other day someone made a comment. They said, "I didnt think that he had it in him." Welcome to my life. That is all that I seem to get. That no one thinks that I can do it. Doesnt matter what 'it' is. People seem to have no faith in me what so ever. And the hardest part about trying to stand up again is know that people have faith that you can do it. And the when you do its even harder to stay standing when you have no support system and you get weak fast. So it would be nice if people had faith. Even a mustard seed. Cause that would be a starting place. And I just wish that I could have a stable starting place so I can learn to stand. Then I could move on to shakier ground. So try and have faith that I have it in me. Please.

Fly Coconut, Fly!!!

So people think that it is strange to be random, and to follow whims. I think it is fun. Yes a little wacky at times. But that explains alot about me you have to find the fun in the wierd things that one can do. So because I want everyone to know. I am sending a coconut in the mail. Yes that is right. The postlady said when I mailed out something today when I asked her if it was ok, that I could mail anything even a coconut. So I got a coconut and mailed it.

The Night

Tonight is a bad night. Well this part anyway. You could say it is a night to end all nights. And that is all he wrote.

One hot place with a lot of Cool People

Today I went to a hot place with a lot of cool people. And just hung out. I got to see a friend that I hadnt seen in a while. I had fun. But I didnt get to just sit down and talk to him. I just wanted to see how he is doing. And just hear about his summer. I suck at life. I dont want to point him in any direction. I just want to be able to listen to him and talk. I realize that I dont have any friends. No one that I am good at listening to. No one would just call me if crap happened in their life. I suck. AND DONT FUCKING TELL ME I AM A GOOD FRIEND NOW!!! YOU ONLY SAY THAT BECAUSE I WROTE THIS!!!!!

The One Thing I Want...

I went and saw a movie tonight. And it sparked this longing. The one thing that I want. I already have a lot of it. At least from God. Now I have to work on seeing it from other people. And people around here seem to suck at showing it off. So we will see.

Oh and if I told you what it was, then getting it wouldnt be as special. So I wont tell you here.

The Arms

I realized that I am excited. I think after a semester of not being sure of who God was and is, I found it. I cant put this into words. I just know that its sweet knowing He is there, and really knowing in my heart. It just bums me out that I cant share this with the freshman that are coming. Recently I have just had on my heart this burning desire to love. Not anybody buy everybody. I am learning on how to show that. Even more I just want to know that the freshman have someone there that is willing to talk and just be there. Believe me I have gone through hell compared to everyone here, so I feel at least I can offer them that. That I will listen. That I will be their friend.

Its nice knowing Gods here. And feeling it too. I dont know how I make it through each day anymore, but I dont care God just carries me through. My goal is to get to the point where I can walk through a day and not have to jump into Gods arms. Scratch that. I love being enveloped in the sweetest thing in life, Gods love. But I want to get to the point where I can walk side by side with God and share to others what its like. The greatest thing ever known to man. Cause believe me everyday right now I go to bed and fall into his arms. So torn into pieces. I want to run into those arms because they are comfort not because thats the only place I know to go to survive. I want to take that and be able to share it. Not just survive. I want to live.

Recipes of Tubing in Kansas

The other day went tubing again. While I was guarding the tubes and waiting for a group from Kansas to arrive. I sorta just lay there and thought about things. And I felt loved. No not just randomly. There is such a love that comes with thinking of certain things. As I lay there just certain images of food, and recipes drifted through my head. And I guess the feeling that comes with it is love, wierd as it seems. Just this really sweet feeling. The only expliation would be Gods love. Its just so, hard to put into words what those things stir.

Tube King

I am the King. Yes, yes I am. And then the other king, only short by a few is kRONic. Yea I like to go tubing. I like it cause its the river, you and thats it. It also reminds me of life. See on the river, you have obstacles, and you keep moving. Some of the obstacles you have to maneuver around. And if you dont they can throw life up side down and searching for ways to get back on. Some you hit and go over, a little rough. You hold on for dear life, and after that bump your fine. Sometimes there are really big ones and you just have faith you will get through and go. And then every now and then you just get stuck in a place, sometimes because of a big thing, or sometimes just behind something small. And through it all you have buoyancy and thats God. Its always there, sometimes when your off you tube you just have a rough time. When your on your tube God is still holding you up, just that life doesnt seem so rough. And as a bonus God is really sweet on a hot day, thats cause he is really cool! hehe

Happy, Sad, Green, Blue.

Wierd. I sit here with the beast. He will laugh when he sees this. Feeling jolly. In a sorta twisted way. I have this urge. Like a hunger to do some thing. It is what that something is that scares the living crap out of me. I have this want to hurt someone. No really reason. Not like a twisted murder who feels in control when he watches the last breath escape someone. No, more like I just want to be soo mad at them and let it out. I hate. I love. I get mad. I am happy. Arrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

The Depths

I like this. In my ocean, in the deepest part. I am finding that I like shutting my self off. No its not good. But what am I going to do to fix it. Talk to other people. Right now I just want to find the place where I can feel loved. Screw mans love, Gods is what I want to see. Maybe his plan involves opening up my heart. But it bleeds sooo much when man cuts it, and it hurts. I dont know, I pray people will try and be my friend, even when I dont let them in.

Into the Ocean

Into the ocean I wish to go. I am ripped to shreads as you read this. I just wish I had a friend that I could call. Actually I wish I could believe in my friends enough that I could call them. Not that it will make it better. It just helps. I just want to let go. Gods holding me. Doesnt mean he is going to make the hurt go away. Just that he will heal the pain and help you get through. Well I wish I could get through. IF I return I know not. So I say goodbye to you world.

And if you think words will help me find my way. They dont hold much weight, I have been burnt by words so much. Show me you care and I *might* believe it.

Falling Up and Getting Down

The 'Real' Me is hiding, in the shadows, coming out when light is shown on it.

So last night I had a good talk with a friend. We talked about some stuff that got me thinking. First is that people will always fail. I know, this last year I failed enormously. I have been hurt this year. And caused alot of pain. How can I forgive myself. The only person that wont fail us is Jesus. I say this and hear it in my head, but I dont hear it in my heart. Thats why we need Jesus, because he is the one to heal us when we get hurt. I want to be healed. My friend mentioned a mentor that can help remind us of things that show we are loved and that God wants to heal us. But I am afraid of taking that step, and looking for a mentor. I want and need one so badly. I dont want to get hurt again. That mentor would no doubt be part of the body. Sweet. The body has hurt me recently. She mentioned that that requires letting your self be venerable. I am tired of being venerable, I just want to be loved. She also said I have to being willing to loving towards them. I love showing love, I just wish people would return it. She said the biggest thing is trusting and knowing God is there. I know, everynight I fall asleep fulling embraced in Gods love. People just dont see me fully falling into Gods arms. Mostly because it hurts so much just saying "I am hurt." So I realize that I need a mentor. When I fall God picks me back up, it would just be nice having someone cheering for me on the sidelines. I just dont want to put forward the effort. I just want to quit and give up. I have already, I only make it through each day by means of God fully carrying me. At the end of each day, I realize that the pain is the reason I want to give up. And thats when Gods love is the greatest.

Blue Potatoes and Red Meat on an Airplane

I decided that I am going to be completely honest. At least when I am near or at my house. Hey, its a step. So today I wrote on my whiteboard a message. (Want to know what it says ask, and maybe I will tell.) Then someone erased it. I know who. But see its annoying, if you want honestly then be ready and able to handle it. "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!" .