Sleeping Like a Baby

Yea. So every now and then I have these 'longer' cycles. They suck. Well all of the cycles suck. I am running on three hours sleep, and I am about ready to explode. I cant sit still. I hate this. I want to sleep, sooo bad, but my body wont fall asleep. It slows down for maybe an half hour then reboots at 110 percent. It sucks. So, because I am afraid of exploding in the face of someone, I just sit here and take the pain. It actually physically hurts to just sit around doing nothing, or just play computer games. But hey, as one person said, and I am sure that alot of people would say, that they dont want to be around when I have these highs or lows. Thats the other thing, when I get depressed in these moods, I get really even more energy. I do get all sad and depressed, but with alot of energy. Thats what scares me. I have no safe place, physically. Yes I have emotional and spiritual safe places, well actually only one. God. Not even my friends are even really there. I think the only person that has seen a fully 'exposed' mood, is the one person who hates me. And I mean hates my guts. I feel like crap when ever I even just see him. Hearing his name, I get all sad. Yea I screwed up a friendship, but even more I made a friend an enemy.

Physce

So I have this friend. I do like him as a friend. But see he wants me to trust him, and let him have the chance to be there. Yea I would like a friend like that. But someone else recently stated that I am not there for them, or they dont see that I am willing to be. Which is a lie. That is the thing that bugs me the most. That most of my friends dont even trust me to be a friend. So I have life that I am dealing with, well so do you. So right now, if you want me to open up to you, you first must open up. Thats all.

Mum is the Word.

I hate having a crisis or for that matter anything happen, and not be able to talk about it. Yea. I hate those. But you will be stonger for it.

Lies that are my Friends

So I had a bad day yesterday. Really bad. Sad and pathetic. So when I needed a friend I called. And then I left a message. I didnt even get anything back even asking how I was. No, we will talk later. Or even something saying my day is busy, how about tomarrow. None. Yea, he screwed up. I forgive him. It still hurts. I am still mad. More at the fact that he seems to being doing this to everyone around him. I think I will talk to him. Whether he likes it or not. I will say what I need. Then the ball is in his court.

Attack of the Panic

So I am having a freaking panic attack. Trying to write to let some out and not have this happen. Bobbles hates me. Meat hates me. I screwed everything up at the breakfast. The concert I lost it. I cant answer my phone because I hate talking to people because I am scared. I cant call anyone even when I need the help. Like now. Just calling and talking to someone would be good. But I cant even pick up my phone. DAMN IT!!!! I just want to call G and talk. I dont even know about what. I dont know why. I just know talking to people helps. I FUCKING CANT!!! I hate my self even more now. I just

So at that point I either passed out, or went to bed. Dont remember. I just know that I havent been able to leave my room while anyone is around today. I really dont like this part of me. But right now I cant change me in the present I can work on me in the future.

I am Cut

I went to a good concert last night. It was sweet. I really did enjoy it. There were a lot of people there. When intermission hit all of the sudden, there were a lot of people there. I started to panic. But damn it, I wasnt going to give in to this in front of my friends and all those people. I lost control of my breathing. I was getting superlightheaded. And then I started to go numb in my hands and feet. No worries I didnt tell anyone about that part until the most pain had passed. Then cause I was so mad at myself for letting that happen that I triggered a bipolar moment. The good thing was that I was able to fight this one off, well mostly. I did get mad, and all energitic, I kept it under control. Then sure enough I hit the bottom and felt all depressed. Then I got back to 'normal'. Someone there asked if I was ok. I told him that it was all the people and how it was ironic. The irony was that who asked, doesnt want to be there when a bipolar moment happens. Lucky for him, he barely saw one. He will actually probably read this. No we never talked. I wrote an email you wrote back. I responded. That was communication, but no talk. I hate not having someone to turn to in the storm, and physically tell them what crap is going on. Other people say they are willing to be there, but they get scared when I tell them. And that isnt no help.

The other day, Friday, I had another 'moment'. I had no sleep, I screwed up and early in the day I drank ten cups of coffee, I had screwed up things for the breakfast, my mom decided that since she was sick that she couldnt come up on the weekend. It was just a no good day. I just wanted to play frisbee. It is my team after all. FCA, thats who I play for in the IM league. And then I get there, all ready. I had even my cleats all cleaned and polished. I as ready to play, and have fun. Then he is there. His team had a game before. So I think oh well he should just head out soon. Nope, decides to stay and watch and 'help'. Well I didnt feel safe there. It was too uncontrolled, and something could slip and all he has to do is go whine. Which is what he is good at. I would be out of here, no questions asked. I decided to give it three more points and then I would leave. I think someone even asked him to leave. I had to leave. So I got in my car and left, we had only been playing for 15 mins, not even half way through the game. I was hurt. I went home, I was cut. I just wanted to play. I then went to the top of Mt. Zion and just parked there for a while, maybe 2 hours. I am cut. And this time I didnt even hold the knife.

Dear Kalen,

I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you.

Ready or Not.

I was ready. I was ready if he asked to tell the truth. I dont know what it would have been. But I would have told it. And then he didnt ask. I was ready.

Alien Sex

So. Dang it. I have to stop starting my posts with so. Anyway. I realized today that I what I want most of the time I cant say. And that I say stupid stuff alot when I do try and say what I want.

So to my friends that even call but I don't call back
I want you deep inside my heart upon a hill
It seems to hide sometimes and run away and wonder
I'm really sick of saying sorry but I will

I recently did something stupid, not 100% but at least 75% stupid. And then my friend jumped on my back about it. Yea, that is a real friend. I screwed up and they called me on it. It has made me see that when I want a hug, I act very standoffish. When I want to be standing on my own two feet, I find people that will help carry my wieght. I am afraid. Afraid of giving in to what I want. I know its not healthy to always give in. But sometimes what I want is what I need. So I need to show my needs and not be afraid of them. When I am hungry I refuse food. Needs are how a man survives. I need to give in. I just wish my friends would understand sometimes. That is all. Like the song says above. I dont call back, not cause I dont like you, because I am afriad that my so called weakness will be revealed. Well what I need now is some sleep so I am going to go study.

Physcobabelist

I feel like crap right now. Really I do. In more than one way. I am sick with a cold. I am exausted from it. I have been fighting all these crazy lies all day that have been running around in my head. And now. I am giving in. Not because I want to, because I dont have the energy to fight anymore. It sucks. People hate me right now. In my reality it is the truth. Bobbles hates me. Shane hates me. Camo hates me. kRONic hates me. Meat she really hates me. Amelia, hates me. Christopher, hates me. Everyone hates me. Even the random people I see sitting at the bus stop hate me. I suck at life.

To the people that complain or say they dont hate me. You will forever have hated me at that moment in time. Because you did nothing to change it. Not that you even knew. I dont blame you. But you wonder where these 'charges' come from later on. Well its these moments where I cant fight anymore. Not wont or give in. But physically cant. Yes it sucks. But my life and reality do. So if you want to change the way I think, words definatly arent going to help a whole lot. But they really can hurt. So act in love. And dont say anything of anger.

Wonder Ball

I wonder what it looks like for me to completely forgive myself. Specially when God has and so have others. I think that there is only one person who hates my fucking guts. I cant forgive myself in this one, until he forgives me. Then I can start working on it. Its been bugging me since I screwed up something. I was stupid. And the person knows it. I think they forgive me. But still I just ponder how do I forgive my self. Its an issue. I think everything in the past I take some blame from. Even if it wasnt my fault. I cant put into words sometimes but I still take with me something. I need to work on this. But right now there is another crisis in my life that I shall work on.

WTF???

I seem really good at fucking up things recently. I am not good at expressing my ideas or thoughts. That what this blog is for. Just to get it out there, maybe not the clearest, but it still helps just writing. I screwed up something again. I am getting good at this. I dont know why I did it. I guess I do. Because I thought I was right. Well thats a no. I just wanted to show someone and now they are mad. Or at least I think so. I fucked up. God forgives me. I am human and will constantly screw up, most of the time not trying to. The question I have is how many times do I have with people. Cause I almost want to never say anything and die. Yes not saying anything is being dead. I wish I could not screw things up. I think I shall just keep my mouth shut. I fucked up. I now see why so many people dont like me. I really dont like me. *Aside I feel so bad I just want to make cookies and deliver them to the person that I pissed off. Not as a bribe, but to say I am sorry * I shut people down so well. I just shut them down. So I guess you cant fight when I am not willing to let you fight. The more I screw up the more some new pills sound good. They would help me not be so bad at shuting people out. No they cant fix everything they can atleast help me fight. I fucked up. I want to give up. I almost want the other person to give up, just so I can not see them again. I fucked up. I fall into Gods arms, he loves me. Even when I dont love me. I wish I could apologize. It would look like I am trying to bribe them tho. I am not. It makes me happy when people like what I made them. I am sorry. I fucked up. I am going to go to bed now. I dont love me. God does. If I am lucky so does the person that I screwed up with. Actually I would like him to be mad, I deserve it. I fucked up. I fucked up. I fucked up.

How are You?

I would tell you if I thought that you really cared.

Help the Homeless

I realized tonight. I am no one special. Not at Mines anyway. I could leave and no one would notice. To most people I am just a charity case. To others just a stupid 'emo' kid. They all talk about reaching the lost. But what about those hurting what you know? Huh. Well the answer I have seen is be their friend until they are ok, then move on. I had a bible study last year. Now? Nothing. I wake up every morning and go to school. There is the first hard thing I do every day. Then I have to face and lie to everyone I know. Everyone always asks 'How are you?'. Like they actually care. Even my close friends shy away when I answer truthfully. I can see why, but I am sick of giving a fake answer. You ask me a question I am going to answer it truthfully. If you dont want to know then dont ask. See if your going to be my friend, then I expect you to be willing to except what you ask for. Yea, so what, I might be an emo kid. Oh scary. Suck it up. I am who I am. Not that you really care anyway. I really think it would be fun to disappear for a few days. See how no one would notice. My boss and the office would care. But my friends wouldnt even notice. Last year when I got sick and went to the hospital, the greatest thing is that someone who didnt even know me, or what was going on. He called and sought out people to visit me. He cares. He doesnt ask questions, because he knows where he wants to stay in that relationship. I know I still suck and knowing when to say something is not my stong point. You know, I have found something that I want. I realized it tonight. I want trust. Just in one person, just one, to be able to when my life comes crashing around me, to be able to call them and talk. The sad part is that I know who I want that person to be. I am afraid. Afraid if they find out they would just stop talking to me. They wouldnt fight for me. It hurts knowing some of the people around you that are your closest friends, wouldnt even step up and fight. No, not even lift a finger. I know we didnt for Jesus. But I think that we would have learned then. Not completely just enough to try. But I see that is a lie. My friends at Mines are a lie. I honestly know of one that isnt. The Tortoise would beat the Hare for him. I hope to never become that person that wont fight. But in ways beyond my control people have put me in that place where I cant fight for them. I may not be the biggest, strongest person in whatever battle it is. But I will pour my heart (within limits) into the fight. People said when they came back that I looked better and was better this semester. Or so they thought. It was true. I was. WAS. Now people have come back and are helping me dig my hole even bigger. I can only fill it in so much, but when there are more digging, like there are, then it is a losing game. Like the game this post is over. I go to bed now, crying into Gods arms. Secretly hoping one person will read this and we can have a long talk. I am not going to point to this myself, but others can. I wont mind. Think if you do, you just lifted a finger to fight for me.

I Cant Figure It Out.

So, I just like to start my posts with so. Anyway. I write tonight about someone that troubles me. Ok not troubles me, but keeps me up at night. Ok not that way I guess. I just cant figure it out. Its nothing romantic. Specially since its a guy. I take my friendships very seriously. So it bugs me when I dont understand something. No I dont want to know it all. I just want to know what the relationship is to be like. If we are to be those people seen with each other all the time. Or the kids that constantly jab at each other. I cant figure it out. And he makes if even more wierd. He does things that I understand as love, Godly love, you morons. And yet then turns around and acts like he doesnt care at all. The saddest part of it all is that I cant talk to him about it. I really just want to talk to him and figure it out. DTR. Just freaking joking. But I want to know what sorta friend he expects me to be, or what he wants it to be. I just want to let him know what doors he is opening when he does certain things. Mostly I just dont want to be confused. That is all. But whatever, Shane just hates me anyway. I am just his charity case.

TNT

So I almost lost it last night. It scares the living daylights out of me. Literally. I just got so freaking mad. And I couldnt control it. I could barely control what I did with the emotion and energy. The worse part is that a stupid little thing that happened this week was in my house. And so where did all my anger want to go. Towards him. It made me realized that unresolved issues in my life need to change because of what they have the possiblity of becoming. That is what scares me the most. So how I dealt with it is that I just left. I just went. Where to I didnt know. I ended up at the top of Mt. Zion. Probably not the best place to have been, considering I barely made it down alive. I was in such a wreck after coming off of this emotional high that almost drove off the side of the mountain. Not on purpose. Just almost happened. So I now have a fear of what I can become. OR am. I wish I could learn to know who I am and how to handle it. It is more than being scared of what I can do in my own life. That I can learn to handle. But what I cannot is the possiblity of become a storm in someone elses. I dont want to become the card that can ruin your life. Deal with that. It makes being in the world even harder.

Rumors Again

So someone very wise I talked to today said how stupid it is that rumors cause us to all bent out of shape on. Very true. It made me think why I am really mad. And I realized that I am not so mad about the actual rumor. Or what was said most of the time. It is that it was said and had meaning behind it. The other thing I have an issue with is that I have a hard time confronting these things but I let them build up inside my self. I dont know. Life is hard to deal with sometimes. It is an engima wrapped in a puzzle.